The Memory
by xlostwithoutyou
Summary: "I just wish I could see him, you know. I wish I could tell him I miss him and that I love him and that I – that I understand why he did what he did." Finchel. Post 3x22 Goodbye.


She was surprisingly okay with it all.

Of course she wasn't _okay _that she couldn't have everything she ever wanted but she was naïve enough to think that she could have it all in the first place. And sure, some nights were hard and small things would strike a memory but she was okay.

She was tired of people asking her how she was. She was tired of the sympathetic stares and the semi comforting hands. She didn't want anyone's pity. For God's sake, he didn't _die_! She was _fine_.

But the "it must be so hard to let go of someone you were engaged to" always gets her. They were engaged and they were on their way to get married. Until he had to break her heart and let go of her to make her happy and achieve her dreams without him.

At first she had just been heartbroken. Sad that he wasn't there with her, sad they wouldn't ever go on small little lunch or dinner or coffee dates like they said they would, sad he wouldn't be there to see her first official college play.

She spent her days taking notes in classes and ignoring the people that surrounded her, choosing not to be social. She just didn't want to talk to anyone. She spent her nights in her room, studying until her brain exploded and she had to lie down. But she couldn't just sit there and do nothing. Doing nothing means thinking of things she didn't want to think about and letting her mind wander into the past. Sometimes she would just lose herself in the memories and she would be shaken awake by her annoyed roommate who was trying to get sleep before a big test the next morning.

"You were screaming again," her roommate would say.

She sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, whatever. Listen if you're gonna continue to have these night terrors or whatever, you're out. I can't sleep with that every night for a year."

She didn't even try to argue. She wanted to get out of that horrible, cramped dorm. She never wanted to live on campus in the first place. She wanted to live with Kurt and –

But that wasn't ever going to happen.

So her freshman year of college was pretty much like that. Sad. Uneventful.

* * *

Her sophomore year of college she moved into an apartment with Kurt, Blaine and Santana.

She never thought that she would ever become as close with Santana as she was now.

When her night terrors struck again, it wasn't Kurt that came into her room and comforted her. It was Santana.

One particularly bad night Rachel had a nightmare. She was back at the train station with Finn and he was telling her to let go. But she didn't want to. She didn't want to let go, ever.

"No," Rachel cried out, thrashing back and forth in her bed, "don't do this."

Santana slipped into her room, her face blank as she climbed onto Rachel's bed and grabbed her wrists, pulling the small girl to her.

Rachel awoke with a gasp, looking into the dark room and feeling Santana's fingers curled around her wrist. She burst into tears, covering her face with her hands and leaning into Santana, crying all of her tears into the girl's shirt.

"Shh," Santana would whisper, wiping the hair that stuck to her tear stained face.

"It's over," Rachel sobbed, whimpering as the tears continued to fall, "he doesn't want to be with me."

Santana pulled back from her, giving her a look. "Are you high? If there's anything Finn Hudson wants in this world it's to be with you."

"Then why –"

"I don't know why," Santana sighed, knowing her question. "All I know is that he wanted you to make your dreams come true without him. He wanted you to prove that you could do it without him."

"But that doesn't make any sense. Why can't he just be here like he said he would be?"

Santana said nothing because she knew there was no answer. Even if there was an answer, she didn't know it.

"Why did he have to join the army?" Rachel continued, still in shock and not understanding everything he had explained to her a year ago. "He said he wanted to redeem his father, how does that – why does –"

She was stumbling over her words now and Santana already knew everything else she was going to say. She said the same thing almost every night, reciting everything Finn had told her and analyzing it, as if she could find answers or a clue to what exactly he was going to do.

"Go back to sleep," Santana told her, running a hand down the smaller girls hair soothingly. She had always loved it when her mother did that. "You have class tomorrow."

Rachel opened her mouth to say something but Santana smiled and nodded, "yeah, I'll stay here until you fall asleep."

Rachel smiled sheepishly, turning onto her back and Santana did the same, taking Rachel's smaller hand in her own, like she always did.

Rachel sighed after a while, looking up at the ceiling, her eyes following the blades from the fan one by one.

"I just wish I could see him, you know," her voice was soft and Santana turned her head to face Rachel but she was still looking up at the ceiling. "I wish I could tell him I miss him and that I love him and that I – that I understand why he did what he did."

"You do?" Santana was surprised.

Rachel looked at her now. "Yeah, I do. I always understood." She looked back up at the moving fan. "Doesn't make it hurt any less."

After feeling nothing but sadness for a very long time, she felt anger. Anger at him, anger at herself, and anger at both of them for being so damn naïve and clueless.

Why did he do it that way? Make her think they were on their way to get married and end up taking her to the train station to basically tell her they couldn't be together anymore unless the universe did something about it? What could the universe do? _They_ had to do something. And she'll be damned if she doesn't get him back.

After all, who else was there to be with? Sure, there were a few guys here and there that actually seemed interested in her and asked her out sometimes but she didn't want any of that. She wanted the same man she had wanted all throughout high school.

"You realize how unhealthy that is, right?" Kurt had asked her once she explained why she denied so many offers to go out on a date with someone.

She glared at him. "Kurt, Finn and I are different. You _know _that."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean you don't have to ever go out and have fun –"Kurt tried to say but Rachel cut him off.

"Finn wanted me to make my dreams come true. By myself. That's what I'm doing. I have no time for fun."

"Finn didn't want you to be miserable like this!" Kurt raised his voice, shooting up from his seat at the kitchen table.

"Yeah, well, guess what Kurt? I am. I wish I wasn't, but I am." She shouted back.

Kurt went silent at her sudden outburst, slowly sitting back down as she glared at him.

She opened her mouth to say something but then closed it, shaking her head. "I – I can't talk right now. I have to go study."

Kurt watched her walk to her room, closing his eyes and releasing a deep sigh as he heard the muffled sobs minutes later.

* * *

It was a Friday morning when she got the call.

She had decided to let herself sleep in since this was one of her only free weekends when she didn't have work or rehearsals or classes or anything and she was going to sleep until at least ten.

The shrill ringing of her phone woke her up at five in the morning and she clumsily shot out a hand to reach for it, answering it and bringing the phone to her ear before even checking the caller ID.

"Hello," she grumbled into the phone, still half asleep.

"Rachel."

She shot up from her bed, wide awake, hand coming up to cover her mouth.

She said nothing, too shocked to say anything and the other line was silent too.

"Did I wake you or something?" the voice finally said, "I tried to call around the time you woke up and fixed your protein shake thing but you sounded like you were sleeping –"

He sounded so worried, so nervous and she shook her head, removing her hand to finally speak.

"Finn?"

"Yeah…" he said awkwardly and the sound of his voice, the smooth soothing voice of her – of Finn sounded so incredibly wonderful to her ears that she bursted into tears and began sobbing.

"Woah, Rach, please, don't – don't cry, I –"he begged.

"No, no," she insisted, sniffing and wiping her nose with her hand, "I'm fine."

"Did I wake you up? I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd be sleeping –"

"Well I was planning on sleeping in but…"

"Oh, well I can let you go if –"

"No!" she said quickly. Probably too quickly. "No, just, um – I mean, what – how – how are you?"

"I'm… you know. Good. Dealing with stuff."

She didn't ask about what he was dealing with because she didn't want to hear.

"And… how are you?"

"I'm okay. Busy with school." She answered, not getting into detail, leaving out the crying and confusion and anger and sadness for months and months over him. She was so pathetic.

"Yeah, I figured. Do you – do you like it?" she almost saw his smile. "Is it everything you ever dreamed it would be?"

She answered carefully. "NYADA is amazing. But… it's not everything I ever dreamed it would be."

The other line was quiet for a long time, the only sound being both of their shallow breathing.

"What about you?" she finally asked, clutching the phone in her hand, "is the army everything you've ever dreamed it would be?"

He let out a strangled chuckle, knowing what she was really asking. "I'm – well, like I said, I'm managing, you know? Some days are hard and sometimes I just want to give up but I've come too far to just do that, so."

She closed her eyes, leaning back against her pillow, really not wanting to hear about his army adventures.

He quickly changed the subject though, sensing that she didn't want to talk about that and she was grateful, answering his easy questions about her classes and the plays she had been in so far and updating him on Kurt and Blaine's relationship even though he already knew they had broken up months ago from when he called his brother but he just asked to keep her talking about something else.

After he ran out of questions, they were both quiet again, not used to the awkward silence with each other, not used to hearing the others voice again.

"Finn," Rachel finally said, her voice a whisper, "why did you call me?"

She heard him sigh in defeat. "Well because… because I –"he took another deep breath, "I just needed to hear you. Your voice. I just needed it."

Rachel sucked in a sharp breath at his confession.

"I've gone on for so long without hearing it once. Except for this one recording on my phone that you had made for my voicemail. I – I listen to it when I just… when I need something good again."

"What do you mean something good?" she still whispered.

"I just mean – I mean… it's hard, you know? It's hard not seeing you or hearing your voice every day. I know it's been longer than a year but it's still strange to me."

Rachel listened in awe at how mature and grown up he sounded, her eyes filling with more tears. "I like hearing your voice, too, Finn." She could see his smile again. "But… you shouldn't have called."

"What? I – I'm sorry I woke you up –"he began to say but she interrupted him.

"No, it's just too hard. Like you said. Hearing your voice after so long for just one measly little phone call, knowing that I'm probably never even going to –" she swallowed the lump in her throat, "going to see you again – I just, I can't handle it."

"But Rach –"

"Just don't call me anymore, okay? If this doesn't even mean anything anymore, don't call me. Please."

And she hung up.

* * *

The summer after her sophomore year she went back home to Lima.

Her dads were ecstatic and took her out to Breadstix the second night she got in from New York.

She was asking about everyone, Mr. Schue and Miss Pillsbury and their daughter when she finally asked about Carole.

Rachel and Carole had kept in touch somewhat from Kurt while in New York but they never talked about her other son and Rachel was grateful for that.

"Carole and Burt went to Hawaii for a few weeks," Leroy told her.

"Hawaii?" she smiled, "that sounds great."

"The perks of being a congressman," Hiram chuckled and Rachel rolled her eyes.

Kurt had stayed in New York, taking summer classes for fashion and design. Even though he didn't need them he insisted he take the classes though Rachel knew it was more for her cute designing partner he had had his eye on for a while.

"So have you met anyone lately?" Hiram asked politely and Rachel's eyes darted to her lap, uncomfortable with that subject.

Sensing her discomfort, Leroy quickly changed the subject to what things they should do this summer and Rachel smiled and nodded at all the right moments, her mind lost in memories.

"_Will you just try it? I promise it won't kill you!"_

"_Finn!" she said, annoyed, "that's not the reason why I'm a vegan. I think it's wrong to eat any –"_

"_Yeah, yeah, I know, but I just wanna see you try it! Please?" he asked, smiling._

"_But Finn…"_

"_Come on Rach, it's just one little meatball."_

"_Yeah, that belonged to –"_

"_Rachel." He interrupted, his face serious now. "Do you love me?"_

_She rolled her eyes. "Of course I do."_

_He grinned again, waving the fork in her face and she sighed, rolling her eyes again as she took a tiny bite of the meat, pulling back and making a disgusted face as she swallowed it._

_She huffed at his chuckling, throwing her napkin at him as she sipped on her tea. "You're lucky I love you, Finn Hudson."_

_His grin widened. "Yes I am."_

_He leaned over to kiss her and she smiled against his lips._

Rachel shook her head, spreading her hands over the table and looking at the wood as if it was the most beautiful thing in the world, her lips tingling from the memory.

"Rachel, honey, are you alright?" her dad pulled her out of the daydreaming.

"Yeah," she answered with a tight smile, "fine."

They drove home after paying and Rachel went quietly to her room, shaking her head at her father's offer to watch a movie with them.

She smiled in thanks when they came up to her room with a glass of water and no words, just a comforting hand to rub her back as she silently drank her water and sat on her bed.

They kissed her head before they left her room and for the first time in a long time Rachel went to bed with a small smile on her lips and no nightmares.

* * *

She ran into him at the tire shop.

Her dads sent her to check out Leroy's car. It was supposed to be picked up today from being in the shop for four days and they both had to go to work so Rachel said she'd go for them.

She didn't know he would be there. She figured all of the extra guys Burt had hired to work there after their high school graduation would be working there but there Finn was, in his old uniform, dirty and sweaty from working with cars all afternoon.

She would've turned right around and left but shock and fear froze her in place until he finally looked up from working under a car's hood and called out her name in surprise. "Rachel!"

She licked her lips nervously, her hands fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. They hadn't seen each other in over a year. She was surprised to find that his hair was still there, his face still looked the same, and his eyes still gentle and kind. He was still the Finn she had always known, except he had grown a little bit.

But it hurt. It hurt so much to see him.

She almost did just turn and run away but –

"It's really good to see you," he said, his voice so soft and sweet she almost cried.

"What are you doing here?" was all that came out of her mouth.

He almost looked amused, but then a guilty look crossed over his face. "I'm uh, working here for the summer. For Burt, while he's gone."

"They let you on leave for the whole summer?"

"Actually, I've been here since last year ended." He told her, that guilty look still there.

She was confused. "Wow, I didn't know the army was that generous."

"I – yeah." He shook his head, "what are you doing here?"

"Visiting my dad's for the summer."

He smiled and her heart skipped a beat at the beautiful sight. "I meant here in the tire shop."

"Oh, my dad's sent me here for his car. They're both working, so…"

He nodded and there was an awkward silence.

She looked around the shop, noticing no differences since she had left Lima. She felt Finn's eyes on her, watching her, studying her.

"So how have you been?" he asked.

She turned back to face him. "You know, I actually really don't want to talk so if you could please just tell me if the car is ready I can –"

"Rachel," he said his voice soft again, "come on. Talk to me."

"There's nothing to say."

"Don't," he said, gritting his teeth, "don't push me away like this."

She felt the words pouring out before she could stop herself. "Oh, like you _pushed_ me to New York? Like you made me believe we were on our way to get married only to shove me on a train and basically tell me that we'll never see each other again? Because that seems like a pretty damn harsh push to me."

He was surprised at her casual cussing but brushed it off. "I never said that we wouldn't see each other again. I said that –"

"Let the universe do its thing?" Rachel mimicked his words from so long ago.

Finn winced at her tone.

"I didn't _want _to wait until fate or – or the universe or whatever brought us back together. I wanted us to stay together forever like we planned too. I wanted us to get married. I – I was excited about all of it and our entire senior year together…" she paused, taking a deep breath and swallowing the lump in her throat, her voice lowering to a whisper, "it just all seems like a big lie. Like it wasn't even real. Like none of it even matters."

He opened his mouth to speak, wanting so badly to go over to her and wipe the tears that were silently rolling down her cheeks but he knew she would push him away.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I can't do this, I'll have one of my dad's pick up the car later."

She began to walk back outside into the awful weather and he went after her, not even caring about the rain and the thunder and the lightning. He just cared about the girl who was walking away from him, her tiny body shivering from the cold.

"Rachel!" he called after her, "are you insane? Walking in this bad weather! I – let me at least drive you home."

The tiny brunette stopped walking, turned around and their eyes met. She looked sad, upset, he noticed and he frowned as he realized that he did that. He caused that sadness. He wondered if she had been that way since he had let her go. He realized the irony of it all. Causing her sadness when he was trying to do the _opposite _of that.

"No, I – I don't want to be in a car with you. I don't want to see you, okay? It's easier that way."

His shoulders slumped in defeat. "Please." He said over the pouring rain. "Please just – come with me somewhere so we can talk. Or so I can talk. I – I have to tell you something."

He knew she didn't want to but he could tell the curiosity was getting to her and she nodded once, following him back into the shop and accepting the towel he gave her to dry off.

* * *

He pulled up in their high schools parking lot.

"Why are we here?" she asked, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion as she looked at the empty parking lot.

He didn't answer her. "Come on," he said, getting out of his truck and she followed him to the doors, gasping when he pulled out keys.

"How did you –"

"I have connections," he smiled, winking at her but she didn't smile back.

She didn't want to be here.

This place triggered more memories than ever and when she reluctantly followed him into the back entrance to the auditorium she had to keep herself from crying as she looked at the stage where they shared their first kiss, the stage where she serenaded him and told him he was her home, the stage where he proposed….

"_Hey, you know what we should do?" Finn asked as they sat on the edge of the stage in the auditorium, Rachel's legs swinging back and forth._

"_What?"_

_They were in the auditorium rehearsing whatever song Rachel wanted to sing for prom._

_He smiled at her. "Dance."_

_She looked at him, letting out a small laugh, "what? At prom?"_

_He shook his head, "no, I mean – here. Right now."_

_She laughed again, almost nervously, "You hate to dance."_

"_Not when it's with you."_

_She smiled, shaking her head as she stood up, brushing off her skirt. She looked around the empty auditorium. "There's no music."_

"_I'll be the music."_

"_And dance at the same time?"_

_He rolled his eyes, laughing despite himself. He took both of her hands and placed them around his neck, pulling her close to him, his hands coming to rest on her waist._

_He began to hum against her hair and they swayed back and forth. She smiled against him, not knowing the tune he was humming but she didn't care. She brought herself closer to him, pulling her head back to look at him, their noses almost touching._

"_Can you believe it?" he said, almost in awe, "how far we've made it?"_

_She shook her head slightly, her curls bouncing with the movement. "I sometimes still can't believe you want to be with me. That you love me and that we're going to get married."_

_He smiled, his fingers rubbing her sides, "I can't wait to marry you."_

_Her fingers played with the hair at the nape of his neck. "I can't wait to start our life together in New York. I know I'm not getting into NYADA but… as long as I have you I know I'll be okay."_

"_You're getting into that school no matter what, Rachel. Even if you have to audition next year, you're going to get in. You have the most beautiful voice in the world; any school would kill to have you."_

_She smiled, leaning up to peck his lips. "Thank you. I really needed to hear that."_

She was stupid to ever believe everything would just so easily fall into place after she had won Prom Queen and Finn had decided on what he wanted to do. She had been foolish to believe she could have it all.

"I wanted to take you here because it's – it's like a special place for us, you know?"

She looked down at the floor, "it's not really special when in the end it was all ripped away from you."

"Rachel…" she heard the regret in his tone and she shook her head.

"No," she said, "no. If we came here so you could tell me that you regret everything you did, everything you said, I don't want to hear it okay? You made me leave when I didn't want to, when I wanted to stay with _you. _You broke up with me. Again."

"Hold on now, there are a lot of things I said to you at that train station. But breaking up with you wasn't one of them. I told you I was setting you free."

"Setting me free from what, Finn?" the tears flowed like a river now. "Setting me free from you? From Lima? It wasn't fair." She sniffed, "it wasn't fair for you to do that to me."

"I _told _you why I was doing what I did! I told you that I loved you too much to let you stay here for another year because of me. I told you that you were going to go to New York and become a star without me because Rachel Berry doesn't need me or anyone else to do what she was meant to do. And I told you that I was going to go redeem my father and –"

"That's another thing!" she interrupted him, her voice hysterical as she gestured wildly with her hands, "you just dropped a bomb on me and told me you were going to join the army! The army! You never wanted to join, Finn. I know you didn't. I know you only wanted to join the army to clear your father's dishonorable discharge. Once again, you put someone else before yourself."

He took a deep breath, his voice more calm now. "That's what I wanted to tell you, actually. I didn't – I didn't join the army."

It all clicked for her then.

His hair was all still there and the same. He didn't look any different, more mature, sure, but not drastically different like most men who joined the army did. And as the words he had said to her long ago ran through her mind again, she couldn't recall him actually_ saying_ he was joining the army, just that he wanted to redeem his father. But what did that even mean?

"It took a long time and a _lot _of research and meetings with big, important people that had busy lives and no time to see someone like me with a small request but I did it. I finally changed my father's status to an honorable one and after I did that I came back here because Burt said he had been planning a honeymoon for him and my mom so I said I'd take over the tire shop until they got back." He shrugged, "so now, here I am."

She stared at him, at a loss for words, hardly believing everything he had just told her.

He looked at her intently, waiting for her to speak.

When she did her voice was low, almost a hiss. "You _lied _to me."

Once he realized the direction she was taking this, he quickly shook his head, "no, no, I didn't lie to you. I never said I was joining in the first place, I just wanted to take care of my father and – and get that closure that I never really got with him."

She continued to stare at him, tears still streaming down her face, her eyes red and puffy.

"Rachel, you –" he sighed, running a hand through his hair, the simple Finn gesture making her heart ache and she suddenly just felt the need to just hug him. "You have no idea how hard it was for me to do that. To not be with you. I – it killed me. When things would get difficult and I just thought about you and what you would be doing in New York I just wanted to give up and go to you but – but I know that I couldn't because.. Well, that's not what you would do, right?"

Rachel swallowed more tears, "you don't think it wasn't hard for me?" she whispered, "I cried every night for months because you weren't there. It took me a very long time to not cry at the simplest thing. Pathetic, right?" she scoffed. "But I just didn't think it was fair for us to – to have all those moments, all those things we said to each other only to have you do that to me."

"Rach, I said I'm sorry, I just wanted to –"

She held up a hand, "no, Finn. It wasn't what you did that made me upset. It was how you did it. I didn't think it was right that I had to lose you and be forced to let go of you and – and you just became this person that I wouldn't ever find again. I didn't think it was fair to lose you like that after all the time we spent…" she shook her head, not being able to go on.

"You didn't lose me," he whispered, moving closer to her, his eyes misty. "To be honest I – I didn't even let go. I could never let go of you. I still can't."

She bit her lip, "Finn…"

He was practically pressed up against her now, their foreheads touching, the familiar feeling of him surrounding her making her lightheaded. "It did mean something, you know."

She looked up into his eyes, her own pooling with more tears. He continued once he noticed her confused expression. "What you said earlier, if being with you didn't matter… it did. You know it did. Being with you meant everything and more. All of the things I said to you at – at prom and when I asked you to marry me, it all meant something. Of course it did. You are my star, my beacon of light in the darkness and saying goodbye to you was the worst thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. And even though I don't regret deciding to do what I did, I do regret having to put you through that. I'm sorry, Rachel. I don't know if you ever will but I hope that one day you will forgive me."

Rachel just shook her head, the sobbing keeping her from speaking but she managed to calm herself down so she could tell him, "I love you, Finn Hudson. I always will."

And she stood up on her toes and she kissed him, her tears mixing with his as their lips met. She caressed his face, her other hand running down his chest then back up and around his neck.

"I didn't think it was even possible," he said breathlessly when they pulled apart, "but I love you more than I did before. But I think that's what I was trying to do too when I said that we had to let go. That we had to grow up individually to get to this point."

She gave him another kiss and before he could deepen it again, she pulled away to wrap her arms around his waist, leaning into him and burying herself into his arms, holding onto him tightly.

His head rested on hers, eyes closing. "I'm not letting you go, Rachel Berry."

She didn't say anything for a moment, just pressed a kiss to his uniform clad chest. "Just stay with me."

"Hey," he said softly, lifting up her chin to look at him. When she did, he smiled. "We're gonna get our happy ending."

It wasn't a promise and it wasn't a prediction. It was a fact and she believed him, she knew that they would get that happy ending.


End file.
